Know the Light and the Darkness inside of you –
Sometimes when you close your eyes, it is there, waiting for a chance to come to the surface. Many times you find yourself unable to sleep, the feeling invading your whole body, your mind filled with questions, your heart overflowing with sadness and despair was the only state of your existence.
You even looked inside for it at times and it was quiet, you couldn’t grab it when things were going well, and yet so stubborn, it kept coming back time after time whenever hope broke loose. And while hope slowly faded, it started to consume your whole existence, uncreating you and all that which you’ve worked so hard for in your life.
The sight of it was unforgettable, terrifying and heartbreaking; how could that be another you? You chose to dissociate from it, you found shelter in negation and repression, and yet it never left you. With you when you were all alone, especially, with you when you felt so abandoned and weak; with you, through you, it slowly crawled outside and set itself free: your voice began to rise and spoke harsh words which made you cry. Regret could never undo what it did.
It got completely far from your reach, no chains around it to stop the rage, repressed for many years, the sorrow, the solitude it endured. It went out of control and darkness pulled you in, engulfing and suffocating you, you suffered while you felt the rage, you shivered while you felt excitement, you feared the thoughts which were not yours; and yet they came from you.
Inside, the darkness felt so cold and lonely, and so fierce. If you felt terrified by it, why did you cast part of yourself, to struggle, into it, to weep in silence and indifference, to bear alone the weight of its existence? It begged, it tried to shout its fears, it wished to be heard and understood.
How often do you think of loving your whole self? Not just the you that you feel most compelled to cherish and adore, but that self which does not know forgiveness, love, or kindness; that you which does not know mercy and has never been shown compassion.
I looked into the mirror in my deepest nightmares only to see a dark shape full of rage; its bright red flaming eyes so fierce, its crooked smile repeatedly talking of destruction. I wondered in fear: if this is me, how could I ever be forgiven? It laughed at me and mocked my fears, it showed no mercy or compassion; and yet, as sadness started to transpire, I liberated myself from the chains of my own despair and finally decided to embrace it. Not out of pity, but instead, I felt the urge to let her know that she was not alone.
Looking back to the past, I realized she never really tried to hurt me; sheer despair brought her to shout those words which I could not bear to hear. And yet she was as pure as everything else, in the beginning. Repeatedly cast aside, she grew to resent everything, she grew to fear and fight for her own freedom and free will. And the more she tried, the deeper did I bury her in shame.
We all have sides which we do not feel particularly proud of. They scare us and we try to hide them deep within, ignoring the state in which those feelings were slowly born, ignoring the desperate screams of help – “I do not want to be forgotten, I have the flame of passion burning within me, I will break free and I will reclaim what has been mine”. We never tried to understand the true form of our deepest wishes. Are our most frightening desires born from fear?
Afraid and lonely, she seemed to slowly fade, only to come back later on in life, even more powerful and fierce; her aspirations grew stronger and stronger. It became, at times, a real challenge to keep her in.
One day she met someone who praised her inner beauty and her deepest passion; that’s when I saw her real expression: a child, a beautiful young maiden, a pure innocent kitten who had been tormented all along, longing to hear those words at last, and when she did, her rage turned into passion, she bloomed and at her core she was so small and fragile, I felt the urge to let her know that she is loved. The more I get to know her, the more fear fades away. There is a side in all of us which longs to be nurtured and cherished, treated with kindness and compassion.
“What do you wish, dark side of mine, and why? What do you like about yourself? Allow me to know your true expression, and I shall start to love myself entirely”. Learning who you truly are requires time and patience, but slowly you will start to understand not only what makes you “you” and where in life you find your purpose; you will unfurl the scrolls of your existence, you will make your true dreams and desires surface, you will begin to understand yourself.
Confusion, that fear of the unknown, is often what makes us so extremely terrified. If we allow ourselves to know our darkest wishes, if we embrace and love the side of us which cultivates these deep desires, all of our choices will be purely ours. Darkness is born from the repression of dreams in which we find guilt and remorse, and so we hurt and shame ourselves. We should instead question and try to understand the reasons behind each desire.
Sometimes our true intentions are not to hurt ourselves and others, although they may occasionally seem so; sometimes we are just terrified and wish to feel secure. Sometimes we simply want to find a new expression of ourselves; we are here on Earth to accomplish that, after all; to learn who we truly are while being pulled from two directions. It is not about casting darkness far away, but learning what our true form and expression is when confronted with both sides. It is not a matter of choosing, we are already chosen.
We must simply learn to be, accepting and loving every side of ourselves, so we can start from there to freely choose to grow and to evolve into what we truly are, to bloom from the inside and love the colors of our essence.
Channeled message – Eyra B