You are special
– the most special being –
I wanted to be able to write something this morning; something that could be useful, insightful, or at least interesting to read. I noticed, however, that sometimes no matter how hard I try (or perhaps *because* I try too hard), I simply cannot write the things I wish to say, or those that I may wish not to say out loud, for fear of being judged, but which I can still hear quite clearly in my head – I feel them in my chest and sometimes they want to come out so badly that it hurts.
Two years ago I would have said it differently, in a more positive light; a year ago I wouldn’t have cared so much about the message not conforming to the standards of the spiritual community. Today, this is how I write. Out of fear, I may still not be able to express genuinely whatever crosses my mind or touches my heart. Today, this has to end: I invoke the real me, the one who wishes to express whatever it is that needs to be said out loud. I am, after all, a warrior, am I not?
Two nights ago I felt forgotten; I came to realize that I am blending in so well, that I have become this very difficult to identify substance which doesn’t have its own consistency or shape. I felt invisible, abandoned, lost. You must have felt that way too, at least once. And if you never did, that is still alright, we are not here to shame those who are completely happy with themselves and their role and place in the Universe. In fact, that may be a virtue: I always end up being told that I should stop shedding so many tears over the feeling of being shapeless.
Two nights ago, as I looked into the mirror – darkness surrounding me – I perceived an indistinguishable shape which often melted in the background (was the candle light to blame for this, perhaps, or was my perception constantly shifting?), yet still preserved its own identity. I was captivated by its fluidity and dark consistency. The eyes shone, from time to time, letting me know that it (the shape) was fully charged with rage and sadness at the same time. I looked deeply, trying to rebuild (or make up) its original form out of the very pale shadow cast by the candle light.
It did not move or say a thing, it did not make me draw back in fear either. I simply stared at my reflection as it stared back at me, and to my greatest disappointment, I did not witness the entire Universe collapsing while recognizing the uniqueness of my own existence, nor did the very fabric of reality change its shape or consistency to accommodate my passionate desire to be seen or even noticed.
No, none of that happened, and so after a while I dragged myself to sleep, fully aware of the state of serenity which had instilled itself inside my whole being during this very unusual ‘meditative state’. My body felt light and unaware of its own density; I felt no uneasiness or pain, only the peace and harmony that were dictating my every move and thought. And so, today, awake and fresh for a new start, I realized something fairly obvious and important, which I had failed to see, or did not care for, at the time.
Sometimes we feel that the Universe is going to explode from the center of our hearts, bursting with rage and passion – the desire to be acknowledged, cherished, loved. I know you may be feeling lost, lonely, or misunderstood; that at times you wish you were more special, powerful or ‘better’ (whatever that might mean). However, you need to understand one simple thing: you are, indeed, *you*; and yes, there may be people, beings, things that in your eyes feel better, more perfect – more important – but do you think they truly are while you are not?
Let’s think about this logically: if everyone is unique due to the concept of individuality, and the concept itself is false, as many enlightened people will tell you, then you are One – and One is everything that is, so you *are* just as special as anything could be. Now, if the inverse is true, and individuality is absolute, then you are still the most special, from your own perspective. That is to say: if you feel unimportant, it means you recognize that you should be more important, and therefore you are acknowledging that you are, indeed, more important than you think you are.
The thoughts are clear, at least inside my mind. It’s always the translation that loses continuity and fluidity, becoming an amalgamation of words and thoughts which more often than not seem random and unrelated. Yes, I am wrong, sometimes; yes, it may seem like what I said previously does not coincide with what I am saying now; yes, I do contradict myself often. But yesterday I saw the two-dimensional representation of a ten-dimensional square (and let’s face it, a square is not even that complex compared to, say, an irregular dodecahedron), and it looked scary confusing.
That’s when I realized that no matter how many times we try to put all our experiences into words, we will never truly be able to succeed. The Angels (Guides, Fairies, God, or whatever you feel most comfortable to call the source of your intuition) speak to us, but we must shape their messages according to human perception in order to understand something even as basic as the fact that we are being sent a message. Let’s not even talk about trying to completely decipher it. So they speak to us in ‘simple’ forms; but we are still not able to understand it completely.
Two-dimensional beings may walk amongst us, in theory, but they would only be able to perceive us from two perspectives. We may perceive fourth, fifth, nth dimensional beings, yes, but only from three perspectives. And yet, they are so much more than that, and that we simply cannot *see*, no matter how hard we try. And the same is true for all the other senses. And there are many, not just the five/six that we are used to hear about. For starters, we perceive time, that’s also a sense.
However, I realized that there is an end to ‘how much answer’ one can get. Once you get *the* answer, what more can you be seeking for, other than further explanation? And if you still cannot understand something, that is when you will keep asking. And there will be times when you fully understand, but then, a few days later, you set that information aside and forget all about it; that is when you wake up in fear: you feel like you still haven’t understood it and you keep looking for the answer, aimlessly.
But the truth is you have, already; you just forgot about it, once again. It’s okay to feel lost; it’s scary, I know. Everyone knows how scary it is to lose your truths and your beliefs. And the more you learn, the more you feel like you have lost them, as they are not conforming to your newly-acquired perception of reality anymore. I could be telling you that there is a time when this feeling leaves you forever, but I’d be lying – for as long as you expand your horizons, your ‘consciousness’, your belief system is going to be shifting and readjusting itself according to the new teachings and experiences. Scientific methods change, technology changes, everything changes, so why wouldn’t our perceptions change as well?
It’s okay to feel sad, or lost, or lonely. Just try to keep reminding yourself that you are not alone and that you already have the answers. Always remember that sometimes things may not seem to be going the way you planned them to, while, in reality, they are going *exactly* according to *the* plan. Don’t beat yourself up too much for being human. We all are. And each one of us is the most special and unique being that could ever be.
– Eyra B